Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Struggle

People keep asking me about leaving Juice. "You can't leave," they say, "it's YOUR company!" I calmly tell them that because of the way these investment things go, it hadn't really been mine for a long time, if ever, and that yes, I can and did leave. Then the conversation quickly moves to how exhausted I have been for years and how it's a good thing that I'm home now. "Yes, you've been sucked dry for a long time," are words I often hear. It surprises me every time even though it's just people affirming what I've just told them. I kind of thought I was hiding the fatigue and frustration pretty well, under that veil of very real excitement and adrenaline that comes from constant hard work and creation. I loved what I did at Juice. I also hated it at times; whenever the actions people I depended on turned my trust into disillusionment. I know that from the outside, folks saw the way I thrived on the work. Apparently they saw clearly how wiped and wary I was getting as well. It was a lot like swimming; exhilerating and breathtaking and energy sapping at the same time.

And now...the truth is that yes it is amazing to be home with the kids. I am thrilled about this - about being home to do homework and play basketball and board games. And during the day sometimes I get to do stuff like go watch my nieces in their swim classes, to photograph them and experience them - what could be more satisfying than knowing the people you love better? It is also amazing to be able to write again, as hard as it is to get back into.

But. The other truth is that it is a constant struggle for me, during those five hours of school that has become my work day. Every minute of every hour I am thinking about what I should be working on, and if I am not at my desk I am somewhat lost. I am sitting on the side of the pool, watching others swim, wanting to dive in as well. Do I really have time to take a walk or do a yoga class? Will I be able to calm my anxiety enough to enjoy the darling little girls I yearn to know better, or will my stomach flip while they float; will I fret the entire time about what I'm not churning out on the page instead? What will happen, or could have happened, while I sit back and watch instead of work? It feels odd to pick my kids up without having produced anything that feels like work. And it's a bit frustrating to be just as tense as I was at the office, at home. It's odd not to receive fifty emails an hour. It's strange not to have to tell groups of people what to work on while doing my own work at the same time; to not have to be in a constant state of emergency over launch or announcements or money. It's empty to have no one need my opinion at all. Then again, I was getting tired of giving it. I often found myself with no opinion - with no desire left to give it.

And so, I know it is right for me to be exactly where I am right now, and I know the struggle I'm in is what I have to get through. I still want to do relevant work and I desperately want to give my all to the friends and family I love as well.

I'm working on it. And the 500's help.

*warmup: 500 free
*6 x 500's done as:
4 x 125's done as easy, moderate, moderate, fast
2 x 250's done as moderate, fast
500 straight fast
500 straight with alternating 100's by drill and swim
500 straight with alternating 100's by fast and easy
500 straight fast
*warm down with 150 stroke


AM! said...

I love that you are exactly where you are.

I feel a bit of the same in regards of truly creating my own business and really only needing to report to myself at the end of the day. Ahhhh where is the boundary in that? I rely on emails and other types of 'explicit' means to feel 'needed' or connected.

don't know if this is making sense but it is to me. :)

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