Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The horror of suburban pools

David Miller's August 12 column in the Chicago Tribune's Living section titled "An aquatic center isn't guy territory" has been ruffling some feathers and bringing out the cat claws between mommies around here. It's kind of sad...his opinion doesn't really deserve attention and energy but since I'm due for a good rant I'm going to let this one rip.

In his column, David claims that the suburban moms at his local pool are lazy morons with breast implants that commit the following sins, all of which revolve around a larger sin named "engaging in self-indulgence under the guise of taking care of the kids". Never fear, he comforts, he's about to blow their cover and tell us what suburban moms really do. Ready? Here's the list:

*drive SUVs
*admit they've run the Boston marathon
*wear bathing suits
*talk on cell phones
*plan weekends away
*let their older kids go to the snack bar 20 yards away on their own
*just about nothing else except an occasional shower and load of laundry

Well, I've got two things to say about this. First, regarding the women he chastises, I say FOR SHAME that they would act this way! How dare these women do what men have been telling us for centuries (keep yourself looking good, don't "let yourself go", stay home with the kids and take care of them instead of working, don't loose yourself in the kids - stay the same fun-loving interesting young woman I married, and oh also don't smother the children). I've got nothing against working moms (I'd better not since I am one) or those who don't keep up their appearance in perfect form (because really, who cares?) but let's leave the moms who do have time to have swimming fun with their kids alone shall we?

Second, just in general, I'd like to say F*** YOU, David. I live in the suburbs. I wake up at 5AM to go to the local pool to swim 2-3 miles before my kids get up and you'd better believe I'll sport a bikini and talk on a cell phone if I ever get the chance to visit an "aquatic center" after I work my ass off both staying home with the kids and running a start-up company at the same time. My boobs? They're real and they are also 2 sizes smaller than they used to be and they hang like empty balloons toward my belly button as a result of feeding my two children when they were small. If I had enough money I might just get them fixed too. Your anger at these particular women may very well be justified - maybe all of them are the same kind of snotty bitch I'd walk away from in my suburban home town (and if so then I'll concede that your "Brokeback Mountain" comment was really very funny). But maybe you didn't even talk to them. Maybe if you did you'd find an engineer or an Olympian or just a nice woman who could ease your anger. I may not be a mom that gets to lounge around at Aquatic Centers very often, but I'm not immature enough to stereotype all moms who visit them as lazy and worthless.

Oh, and chances are they were not giving you the stink eye or worrying that they'd be caught looking at you with "Little Children" (the movie)-like longing. Chances are they were too busy enjoying each other and their kids to even notice you.

So there! (And for all those of you who visited simply to get the workout, here ya go :).

*warm up with 150 free, 150 back, 100 free, 100 back, 50 free, 50 back
*25 kick x 2 (first one free, second one back), 50 one arm x 2, 75 two count x 2, 100 "wonderful and beautiful" (I suppose that is just swimming) x 2
repeat twice

add fins for:
*200 swim, 150 kick, 100 one arm, 50 underwater free
*200 swim, 150 kick, 100 one arm, 50 underwater back

*5 x 100's on descending interval:
25 free kick, 25 free swim, 25 back kick, 25 backstroke

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